As for recapping my own 2012, there is no succinct takeaway. It seems the narrative of my life often veers off-course, and I usually only have the slightest ability to control it. I think I've also let go of the futile pretension that I can. I believe we create our own realities, but it seems the individual components of that reality can take many forms along the way.
When I got signed to become a member of Team Online in 2011, I thought the narrative would be mostly about enjoying my life in Santa Monica and becoming a true professional poker player, after 7 years in the game correcting all the mistakes of my career and perhaps fulfilling my potential.
Then Black Friday happened, I had to leave Santa Monica if I wanted to still be an online poker player, and, well, what's the proverb? "Man plans, god laughs."
The narrative then became about re-establishing myself, not in the poker world but in the world itself. Not just geographically but emotionally too. I eventually found the initial trauma of having my life uprooted to be liberating, and the post-Black Friday upheaval ultimately helped make me feel like a more autonomous, cognizant member of the world.
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I did grind hard on PokerStars for the first 10 months of the year, and I was planning on going even harder for the last couple months, eying a reasonable shot at hitting 400K VPPs for a solid income boost to the year.
Then, some stuff changed, and the narrative became about: Making an impromptu visit to a close friend in Maryland who has cancer; followed by an even more spontaneous vacation with my girlfriend to Tulum, Mexico. Then it was time to spend a couple days with friends and family back in New York over Thanksgiving.
I did make it back to my home in Baja Norte for a post-Thanksgiving Sunday grind, but shortly after that it was time to go on a long-planned trip to Israel. After all the spontaneous traveling I had done, I would have been inclined to cancel the trip, but it had been 30 years since I visited the country where my mother grew up. More importantly, I wanted to see my friend David, with whom I originally relocated to Canada, who is now living in Tel Aviv.
So I guess my current narrative is: Grind hard when the grinding is good but don't be reluctant to drop out when the pain and joy of real life takes you away from it. I guess it's another version of the elusive concept of "balance" to which poker players often pay lip-service.
The only problem with achieving that balance is reflected in something that Jerry Seinfeld mentioned in his recent NYT Magazine profile:
I read an article a few years ago that said when you practice a sport a lot, you literally become a broadband: the nerve pathway in your brain contains a lot more information. As soon as you stop practicing, the pathway begins shrinking back down.It applies to poker too. Maybe not to all types of players, but for me at least, there's something about playing at my highest level that requires playing in an all-consuming way. The confidence I need to play my best poker comes from knowing that I made good decisions the day before (or knowing that I made bad decisions that I need to correct). It's a major challenge for me to recreate that confidence when I am only squeezing in occasional Sunday grinds. Slowly easing back into a good grinding schedule is my current priority for the upcoming year.
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My proposed narrative for 2013 is not setting goals. Maybe to my detriment, I've never been much of a "goals oriented" person. For a vocation that is as tumultuous as poker, it seems almost foolish to establish rigid goals. Let's say your goal was to make 110K in 2012, but you only made 85K. Did you fail? What if you had a losing year? In most scenarios, the only thing you can really do is keep on grinding.
Of course, I have more serious hopes and ambitions, plans and dreams, for the upcoming year, but when I think of discussing those, I just think about this thing Bob Dylan said on 60 Minutes in 2004 when asked what "destiny" means to him:
It's a feeling you have that you know something about yourself - nobody else does - the picture you have in your mind of what you're about will come true. It's kind of a thing you kind of have to keep to your own self, because it's a fragile feeling. And if you put it out there, somebody will kill it. So, it’s best to keep that all inside.
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Oh wow, I almost forgot to mention: I will be continuing on with PokerStars Team Online for 2013, my third year as part of the team. Happy, grateful, and honored to have the opportunity. Actually, I can say that last sentence applies to how I feel about most aspects of my life.
Happy New Year everybody, and good luck in 2013!